I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
