And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
