i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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