the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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