I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
