so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
