I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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