and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
