Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
