I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
