God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
