I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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