He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
