I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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