I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
