so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
