I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
