you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize