I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
where am i from again
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
