she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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