I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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