I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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