I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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