Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
