You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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