A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
