And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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