I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
