i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
