So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
