I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
