im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
