I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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