took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
