I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
