areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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