Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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