I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i drank out of a bidet.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
