those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
