I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
