i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
