yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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