so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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