Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
