his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize