Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
