so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
