so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
