If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
