so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
