____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
