words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
