On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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