Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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