A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
